Disillusion
by ximsol182
Summary: At his final moments, a drunken Byakuya reflects on his life and on his relationship with the boy he once loved but ended up ignoring: his son Shinji. It reflects of them across the years and the tragedy that grew them apart. Contains references of Shinjis flashbacks in Heaven's Feel.


**A/N:** Why did I ever write a fanfic about Byakuya and Shinji? No idea, I just felt like doing it. The Matou family is my inspiration after all (mostly the relationship between Kariya and Sakura and the one between Byakuya and Shinji, although Byakuya was such a lousy father as I saw on Heaven's Feel). In TVTropes, while reading information about the characters in Fate/Zero I saw that it is heavily implied that Byakuya sent Shinji to study overseas and was upset when the latter found out the truth about Sakura's addition into the Matou family means that he was hiding his son the fact that they are from a family of Magus. I was interested in that fact and that was my inspiration to make this fic.

**Warnings:** Characters might be OOC. Although I'm not so sure about it, since we never got to see much about Byakuya (except the fact he is a terrible father, coward like his son and a total drunkard).

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I'm dead. Or, at least, I'm very close to death. My body begins to numb, but it must be because of the alcohol. I just sit there, drinking, until I don't know how long I've been there.

I used to have a family once. Now my family is broken as I watch how everyone is controlled by that monster, known as Zouken Matou. It's a pain to see what our family has become. We've never really been close to a normal family, but we still functioned. Now my brother is dead and gone, my son is chasing a dream that will never come true for him and a little girl who had nothing to do with this must endure all the pain and suffering.

I always said that I hated Kariya. I always said that my path was the only one who was the best for the future of the Matou family. I always said that I had no right to leave Zouken's house. But the truth is I was being a coward the whole time.

I was neglected since I was born because I had very few, if any, magic circuits. My younger brother, Kariya, had everything I wanted in those days and he was everything I wanted. But then he left the house and abandoned everyone just for the love of a girl. Zouken then started paying more attention to me, but I knew that he just wanted something from me. And that was the case. He wanted me to have an arranged marriage with a magus woman. Then, he could have the successor he always wanted. I did as he told me so. Because I still looked for hope. Maybe if I did as I was told, then he would appreciate me more. And giving him his heir was my only hope. However things turned against me. My son, my remaining hope, Shinji, was incapable of sorcery. My only hope was shattered. Zouken started ignoring me again and I was considered a disgrace. Because I couldn't make a worthy heir.

Oh, Shinji. At first I hated him. If he only would have been born lucky, then I could have gotten accepted by Zouken. But then I realized that he was just like me. An outcast to his own family for being useless. How could I hate one of my kind?

That's why I didn't want my son to get involved. I didn't want him to know that he had no powers at all and live with the burden of being useless to him family. I know the feeling. And that's why I did my best so he would never know the truth. I locked the door that lead to Zouken's study. I made sure to never talk about magic in front of him. When the 4th Holy Grail War started, I sent him to study overseas. I never told him that he had an uncle named Kariya, who died consumed by worms and participated in that war. I never told him that his new little sister was going to become everything he couldn't.

I might be a coward for hiding all these facts to him for years. But I just didn't want to see my son becoming someone like me. I wouldn't stand to see the story repeating itself again. Would another boy grow up, watching as someone else becomes everything he wished he could be? To see that boy fell into despair after realizing that his dreams would never come true? To subdue the pain by alienating himself forever?

But lies don't last forever. One day he followed me to Zouken's study and he discovered that the Matou family was a family of Magus. He looked excited; he finally found a purpose in his life. I simply said nothing, though in the inside, I disapproved of it. His objective was impossible for someone like him. Yet I didn't want to see how my son built fake dreams, so I drown myself into alcohol again. To ignore the pain.

And he eventually found it out. That cursed room, known as the worms storage. How did he enter? Who told him? Apparently it was out of curiosity. He witnessed as my father and I were supervising as Sakura was violated by the worms like every night. Zouken saw him spying behind the door and smiled cruelly. Sakura saw him too, but even if she felt guilty and pity for her older brother, she never showed it. After all she already had lost the ability to feel long ago. I was the most devastated to see as my son banged the door and left with angry and frustrated footsteps. Feelings of uselessness and failure began to develop in my mind after that. I failed. I failed to protect him. I felt like I lost my only remaining purpose in life, to protect Shinji from knowing the awful truth. And then I realized I was angry. Angry at my son for taking away my only purpose in life. After that horrible night, I decided to spend more time with Sakura. After all, I no longer needed to hide anything from him anymore and I was upset. He noticed this and after a few days he confronted me. He asked me why I never told him the truth before. I calmly explained him that he was incapable of sorcery because he had no magic circuits at all. And the person who was going to be the heir and fulfill his dreams was his sister, Sakura. And then, he changed. He became manipulative and violent. In the past he was already arrogant, a bit obnoxious and enjoyed to tease Sakura about becoming the head of the Matou family, but he held no malice in his actions. Until now.

Now, looking back, I realize that he would have found it out eventually. But at that time I was angry and frustrated. All those years trying to hide the horrible truth to him, they were all in vain. And so, I kept my distance from my son. Even when I saw that he started abusing Sakura and he became cruel and heartless I didn't do anything. I was convinced that leaving Shinji alone and keeping my distance from him will stop him from longing those ideas of becoming a magus and the head of the family. A little consolation was that Sakura actually never came to hate him, despite the abuse she went from his hands after that night of revelation. She actually pitied him, but that only made him hate her more.

It pained me to realize how much alike we truly were. Both of us were born powerless and unwanted. Both of us wanted approval. Both of us treated with contempt our younger siblings because they were the wonderful people we ever wanted to be. The difference was that, while I had already given up on my dreams, my son still had hope.

I began to feel that my life was slowly slipping away, but it must be because of the alcohol. Then I noticed that the bottle was empty, so I quickly opened another one and started drinking.

As I drown myself in alcohol, I started wondering if I could've saved Shinji from himself before it was too late. Maybe I should have rebelled against Zouken instead of becoming his puppet for years. If I wasn't being the coward I always was that time, I should have refused with his orders of training Sakura and letting her pay for all our mistakes. Perhaps Kariya was right all the time. She should have been saved from Zouken instead of suffering alone at our hands. And then I would have taken my son far away so he would never know the cursed destiny of his family. Yes. If I only would had the courage to confront Zouken and leave the house with my son, neither of this would have ever happened. Me and my son wouldn't have to suffer in neglect. We would have been normal. And poor little Sakura would have been back with her family. Just like my brother wanted.

But I never did and now that girl was suffering and my son was paying for my sins. Neglected and forgotten by everyone. Neglected because of me because I was weak and coward. I cried as I realized my own cowardice and continued to drown myself in alcohol. I contributed into turning my family into this living Hell. It was all my fault.

"Fa…Father?"

I looked up and felt a pair of small hands pressing firmly down on mine. I was in front of my Shinji, my son. No, not that broken, heartless and cruel young man who covered his insecurities through a façade of superiority. I saw him as I remembered him in my most precious memories, when he was a small child, when he had no idea that his family were Magus, when he proudly wore that red ribbon in his necktie and his smiles were ignorant and bright.

"Father, you stink like alcohol again!" The boy complained as he puffed his cheeks.

"I'll be okay" I reassured him "Your father will never change. It's too late for him. But it's still too early for you, you are too young"

"You really are drunk, don't you?" he smirked "You are talking nonsense things again! I hope that Sakura wouldn't see you like this. It will be too embarrassing…"

"Father will be okay. But if you continue like this, you will be cursed for life. That's why…Can you make your father a promise?" I said as I hugged him, a gesture I never did before. I had only shown my bad side to him all his life, after all. Or maybe it was just because of the alcohol.

"Sure!" he said, also surprised by the gesture "What is it?"

"I…I want you to never think of becoming a Magus. Or about becoming the successor."

"But, Father!" he protested "I do want to become the successor. I do wanna become a Magus. I…I want to prove everyone that I'm not useless at all!"

I left the bottle of liquor as I started caressing my son's hair, so blue like mine.

"Shinji, you don't need to become the head of the family or a Magus just because you want to prove everyone that you are not useless. To me you are my son and that's the only thing that matters to me. You must remain you"

"But I really want to…"

He stopped and couldn't continue talking as he gasped upon noticing the tears in my face.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry". I cried as I pulled his body closer to mine "I tried my best so you would never know the truth. We both were cursed to be useless, to be unwanted from the very beginning. You don't have to live with despair and regret for not being able to do anything. Shinji…you have already paid more than enough"

"Father, you're crying"

"I-I'm sorry, it's just…Your father has done terrible mistakes all his life, but if you become a Magus, you'll make a bigger mistake. It will be your downfall. And you don't want that, right? You always said you wanted to become a great person"

Shinji nodded in response, though still confused by my words.

"And promise me something else. I want you to stop treating Sakura so bad. It's not her fault that she was chosen. She is the only one who has been nicer to you more than anyone else."

Silence engulfed the two of us. I waited for his reply as I gulped more alcohol from the bottle. I gazed at my son, who was angry in frustration and hesitated here and here. I noticed the tears which have formed on his gray orbs. He noticed that I was looking at him and tried to show a smile, as he wiped the small tears. He seemed angered and embarrassed of his own weakness. After a long time he finally spoke.

"I promise, Father"

"I'm glad" I said with a weak smile. "Then, I have no regrets". I said as I gulped one last mouthful of liquor. Alcohol is what numbs me in order to ignore my reality. I gazed one last time at the bright gray eyes of my son as I started wondering what happened to us and why did he had to be the one who was always left behind. Just like me.

My eyelids began to feel heavy and everything started to get dark, but it must be because of the alcohol.

The last thing I saw was a familiar white haired figure reaching for my hand.

_You are forgiven, Nii-san…_

_. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ._

Shinji Matou walked away from the room of his younger sister as he slowly dressed himself. His father lay on the floor, surrounded by a pair of bottles of liquor. It was common to him to see that man in that state, but this time there was something different about him. He looked at his father and waited for a moment, before realizing that the man in front of him was dead.

He stared at the corpse that lay in front of him and he suddenly felt as though something inside of him had started to crack and he was panged with an emotion he didn't understand.

It was funny. It was so funny that he wanted to laugh, to hit him, to destroy him. The man, he couldn't call him anymore a father, who had neglected him for the last years, was gone. He laughed as he began to repeatedly punch his father, still laughing. It felt good. That man deserved it. For those three years of neglect he had to endure.

"Hope you burn and die in Hell, you old boozer! Because I won't miss you, either!" he screamed as he kicked his father after every word he said.

He continued to laugh as he kicked his father's corpse, until it fell to the ground. His foot swung forwards and collided with Byakuya's face. Shinji pulled his father's hair in order to have a better look at his face and how much damage he caused. But as his dull eyes met his father empty eyes, bringing old memories back, his laughter turned into sobs.

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**A/N:** OMG, That turned out longer than I planned lol. Ah well… thanks for reading! And that is all I am doing with Byakuya and Shinji. As I said before, I grew intrigued with their relationship and I´ll upload my fanarts of them on Fathers Day in Pixiv (Yes, other people than just Japanese can use Pixiv). Maybe I´ll write a Kariya/Sakura later, but I cried while making this fic.

Just to explain what exactly happened, since it may not be obvious…Byakuya is on his final moments and to overcome it, he drinks alcohol one last time. As he gets drunker and drunker, he realizes that all he had done over the pretense of "for the sake of the Matou family" was all a lie and he did all out of cowardice. In this fic, Byakuya dies pretty much the same as Kariya, except that he dies comforted by dreams of convincing a young Shinji to never become a Magus. When he dies, he is reunited with Kariya. Unfortunately, as I said before, Byakuya was only comforted by his dreams, so he never got to talk with the real Shinji (who wouldn´t have listened, anyway...), who at that moment was raping Sakura. And Shinji never got to make amends with his father, so he still resents him for distancing from him all those years (HF reference).

Don't get the wrong idea from me. I think Byakuya and Shinji are both a pair of douchebags. But the young Shinji in Carnival Phantasm is so cute!


End file.
